Keep Choosing Each Other: Why Intentional Dating Matters for Couples Raising Young Kids
Parenthood can transform a couple’s relationship in beautiful—and demanding—ways. Days that once included spontaneous dinners, long conversations, and leisurely weekends may now revolve around nap schedules, school drop-offs, work deadlines, household responsibilities, and bedtime routines.
When life becomes full, your relationship can unintentionally move to the bottom of the list.
Many couples continue to love one another deeply while feeling less connected, less playful, or less emotionally available. They may function well as co-parents but struggle to feel like partners. Over time, conversations can become primarily logistical:
“Who is picking up the kids?”
“Did you pay that bill?”
“What’s for dinner?”
“When can we schedule the pediatrician appointment?”
These conversations are necessary—but they cannot fully sustain emotional intimacy.
One way couples can protect their connection is by staying intentional about dating. Dating after children does not have to mean expensive dinners, elaborate plans, or finding several hours of uninterrupted childcare. It means creating regular opportunities to turn toward one another with attention, curiosity, affection, and care.
What does “turning toward” mean?
Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman describe “turning toward” as responding to a partner’s bids for connection. A bid may be a direct request for attention, such as “Can I tell you about my day?” It may also be subtle—a sigh, a joke, a question, a touch, or an observation about something that happened.
Partners can respond in several ways:
Turning toward: “That sounds really hard. Tell me more.”
Turning away: Ignoring the comment or changing the subject.
Turning against: Responding with irritation, criticism, or dismissal.
Turning toward does not mean responding perfectly every time. Every couple misses bids, especially when tired, stressed, or distracted. The goal is not perfection. The goal is to develop a reliable pattern of noticing one another and making small efforts to reconnect.
Intentional dates create a setting where turning toward becomes easier. They give couples time to remember that they are more than co-parents, household managers, and problem-solvers.
Why dating matters after having children
A date is not simply entertainment. It can serve several important relationship functions.
1. Dating protects the couple relationship
Young children understandably require significant time and energy. Without intentional effort, the couple relationship may receive only whatever attention remains at the end of the day.
Regular connection communicates:
“Our relationship matters, too.”
This does not mean placing your relationship above your children’s needs. It means recognizing that a healthy partnership is one part of a healthy family system.
2. Dating creates opportunities for emotional connection
Couples often need time to move beyond logistics and reconnect emotionally. A date can make room for questions such as:
What has been weighing on you lately?
What has brought you joy?
What are you looking forward to?
What has felt difficult about this season of parenting?
How can I support you this week?
These conversations help partners feel known—not just assisted.
3. Dating encourages friendship and play
The Gottmans emphasize the importance of friendship in lasting relationships. Friendship involves knowing your partner’s inner world, expressing fondness and admiration, and creating shared experiences.
Play also matters. Couples may laugh less when they are exhausted and focused on responsibilities. A simple walk, favorite snack, board game, or shared television show can help restore lightness and companionship.
4. Dating helps couples remember their identity beyond parenting
Parenthood is a major part of life, but it is not the entirety of who you are. You were partners before becoming parents, and you continue to need experiences that reflect your individual personalities, interests, values, and dreams.
Intentional dating can help you reconnect with the parts of your relationship that existed before the diaper changes, activity calendars, and bedtime routines.
What if we do not have time or childcare?
This is one of the most common barriers for parents of young children. Intentional dating does not need to follow a traditional model.
The most important elements are attention and shared connection—not cost, novelty, or duration.
At-home date ideas
Share dessert after the children go to bed.
Sit outside together for 20 minutes.
Cook a meal you both enjoy.
Listen to music and talk about memories connected to it.
Play a card or board game.
Look through photos from when you first met.
Plan a future trip or weekend outing.
Give each other a hand or foot massage.
Have coffee together before the children wake up.
Watch a show while keeping phones in another room.
Short-date ideas
A date can be 15 or 30 minutes. Consider:
Taking a walk around the neighborhood
Getting coffee
Sitting together in the car after school drop-off
Sharing a snack at a local park
Running an errand together and stopping for a treat
Going for a drive with music and no household planning conversation
A brief period of genuine presence may be more connecting than several hours spent together while distracted or emotionally distant.
Turn everyday moments into opportunities for connection
Dating is only one way to turn toward your partner. Couples can also build small moments of connection into the ordinary rhythm of family life.
Try practicing the following:
Notice bids for connection
Pay attention when your partner says, “You won’t believe what happened today,” shows you something on their phone, reaches for your hand, or makes a joke.
Respond with curiosity
Instead of immediately solving the problem or changing the subject, try:
Instead of immediately solving the problem or changing the subject, try:
“Tell me more.”
“What was that like for you?”
“What do you need from me right now—listening or help?”
“That sounds important.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
Express appreciation
Specific appreciation is often more meaningful than general praise. Try saying:
“I noticed how patient you were during bedtime.”
“Thank you for taking care of that appointment.”
“I felt supported when you checked in with me.”
“I love seeing you play with the kids.”
“I appreciate how hard you are working for our family.”
Protect small rituals
A ritual might be a morning hug, a nightly check-in, a goodbye kiss, or sharing one positive moment from the day. Repeated rituals help couples maintain a sense of “us” during busy seasons.
How to make intentional dating realistic
Good intentions are valuable, but a plan makes follow-through more likely.
Schedule it
Put connection time on the calendar just as you would schedule work, appointments, or children’s activities. This may feel unromantic, but scheduling can protect what matters.
Start small
If you are disconnected, begin with one 20-minute connection period each week. A realistic plan is more sustainable than an ambitious plan that repeatedly falls through.
Share responsibility
One partner should not have to carry the entire burden of planning dates or arranging childcare. Take turns initiating connection, or plan together.
Lower the pressure
The goal is not to have a perfect conversation or recreate the early years of your relationship. Some dates may involve laughter; others may involve exhaustion, vulnerability, or simply sitting quietly together.
Address practical barriers
If childcare, finances, work schedules, or health concerns make dating difficult, brainstorm alternatives. Consider trading childcare with trusted friends or family, using a regular nap time, or creating a standing at-home ritual.
When dating feels difficult or forced
Sometimes couples avoid dates because being together brings unresolved conflict to the surface. If conversations quickly turn into criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or repeated arguments, the issue may be more than a lack of time.
Couples therapy can provide a supportive place to explore:
Repeated communication patterns
Resentment about household or parenting responsibilities
Emotional disconnection
Differences in parenting approaches
Loss of trust
Conflict about intimacy or sex
Stress, anxiety, depression, or burnout
Major life transitions
You do not have to wait until your relationship reaches a crisis before seeking support. Many couples benefit from therapy as a way to strengthen an already meaningful relationship and develop healthier patterns for the next season of family life.
A simple weekly practice for couples
Once a week, set aside 20–30 minutes to ask each other:
What has felt heavy for you this week?
What has felt good or meaningful?
When did you feel connected to me?
Is there anything you need more of from me?
What is one small thing we can do together this week?
Listen with the goal of understanding rather than immediately defending, correcting, or fixing. Then choose one small action that communicates care.
Keep choosing connection
Raising young children can be joyful, exhausting, and demanding all at once. Couples may not always have the time or energy for elaborate dates, but they can continue creating small opportunities to notice each other, respond with care, and remember the friendship at the heart of their relationship.
Intentional dating is not about escaping family life or pretending that parenting is easy. It is about making room for the partnership that helps your family thrive.
Even a few minutes of genuine attention can say:
“I see you. I’m listening. We are still here.”
If you and your partner are feeling disconnected or would like support strengthening your relationship, couples therapy can help you build practical tools for communication, emotional connection, and partnership.
If you are looking for support and accountability in prioritizing your marriage, while raising kids, reach out to Reagan Glover, LMFT. Reagan has offices in Scotts Valley, Aptos and also provides telehealth sessions for couples and individuals throughout Santa
