The Power of Emotional Regulation: Why Our Kids Need Us to Do the Inner Work First
I often hear parents say things like, “I just want my kids to handle their emotions better,” or “I wish my child could calm down instead of melting down.”
What many parents don’t realize is that the foundation for a child’s emotional well-being begins with our own emotional regulation. Before a child’s brain is fully developed or has tools to manage big feelings, they borrow our nervous systems.
When we stay steady during our child’s emotional storms—whether that’s a tantrum, defiance, or tears—we’re not just surviving the moment. If we learn to frame it this way, it’s actually an opportunity. We’re teaching self-regulation through our calm and accepting presence, the power of connection and modeling that it’s possible for them too.
Why Emotional Regulation in Parents Matters
Emotional regulation for parents isn’t about being calm all the time. It’s about understanding your emotions, noticing what’s happening in your body, and choosing how to respond—especially under stress.
When we practice this kind of awareness, we:
Model healthy coping skills instead of reactive behavior.
Stay emotionally available when our kids are struggling.
Create an atmosphere of safety and connection at home.
Build resilience and trust in our relationships.
Children raised in emotionally safe homes often develop stronger emotional intelligence, better communication, and greater problem-solving skills—traits that support them for life.
The Hard Truth: Regulation Takes Practice
Let’s be honest parenting is hard work. When you’re juggling exhaustion, stress, and your child’s big emotions, it can be difficult to stay grounded. Many of us grew up without good models of emotional regulation, so we’re learning these skills as adults while simultaneously trying to teach them to our kids.
That’s why I tell parents in both individual and couples sessions: learning emotional regulation isn’t just a parenting strategy—it’s a healing journey.
It’s about slowing down instead of reacting, noticing when your body is tense or flooded, and offering yourself compassion instead of criticism.
Practical Ways to Strengthen Emotional Regulation as a Parent:
Notice your triggers. Reflect on what moments or behaviors push your buttons the most. Awareness helps you interrupt the cycle.
Pause before reacting. Even one deep breath can shift your nervous system and give you space to respond instead of react. As Jefferson Fisher says, “Let your first word be your breath.”
Name your emotions. Try saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.” Naming emotions decreases their intensity.
Repair after conflict. When you lose your temper (and you will because you are human), circle back with your child. Apologizing shows accountability and safety. It also teaches them they can do the same thing.
Prioritize your own self-care. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Rest, connection, movement, and therapy all support your ability to stay grounded.
The Ripple Effect of Regulated Parenting
When parents learn to regulate their emotions, it changes everything—how we communicate, how conflict unfolds, and how our children experience love and safety.
Every time you take a deep breath instead of reacting, or repair after a hard moment, you’re teaching your child what emotional safety feels like. Those moments build trust and strengthen your connection.
Remember: it’s never too late to begin. Emotional regulation is a skill you can learn, and one that can transform your entire family system.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Reagan Glover, LMFT sees clients in her offices both in Scotts Valley and Aptos, as well as via telehealth (throughout California). She has been married for over 25 years and is a parent of a neurodivergent child. She integrates her personal healing journey of growing up in an alcoholic family and the tools she has learned in her own recovery. If you’re ready to explore this work of learning emotional regulation more deeply, reach out on her website at: reaganglovermft.com. She is more than willing to support you either individually or as a couple to help you identify your triggers, build new coping tools, and create a calmer, more connected home.
